This is not going to be the last thing I write about you.
First of all, you might chuckle or giggle or even choke when I told you that every written sentence I wrote in this stupid blog means a lot to me.
Second of all, you would think that I was obsessed with some stupid story I had found on the internet,
that I was just being too overwhelmingly passionate about the imagination I used to live in,
and why did I write so much about peoples problems sometimes I don’t even have a moment to fix mine,
or yours.
Because you thought you didn’t deserve them, as you said at the very beginning.
“I only expected myself having a great job and living in a small house. That’s all”
So here it goes,
I remember when I asked you why people value women so much that they didn’t have time to treat men the way they were supposed to.
Why did you put so much even too much attention for mom sometimes she didn’t return such a pleasant yet comforting feeling you had genuinely given for every damn second she complained about life?
Or why did you even bother holding back your tears and your rapid exhaustion to keep the comfort between us? That the feeling of failing and collapsing all over your unspoken terror might scare us all after everything you had been through both as a father and a leader.
I was so young when I found out that reality had struck all of us from every way possible, even so naive that all I know were growing up and standing up after those struggling moments when life had taught me that our story had a lot more to carry. In every story or fairy tale I had learned since I was a child, in which heroes always win against evil, and the universe seemed to neatly write out the story. 17 years would’ve never been enough for me to learn and even accept how the world had treated you, because in this story, there has always been a place for evil, where the universe doesn’t care if we remain silent or act out of it, there’s always something stronger keeping us from surviving. But you made it out once, for the very first time god had put you into trials, you had woken up, and pretended nothing could possibly go wrong even it was a complete chaos.
You were worried about things we didn’t understand, things you thought were complicated for us to go through. And they had never been too difficult for you despite the fact that you were never be whole again. Your life had been divided into two, or even four, I was sure you were missing a whole lot of pieces when you found out that your life had turned out the way you never expected it to be. Like having such a loyal and caring wife that I will forever call her ‘mom’, or having me as your rebellious daughter who apparently didn’t know how things work after everything you went through. After everything we went through as a family. Even after you left. You were so damaged and even ruined in every way of the world could possibly bring.
And I was sure from that moment at the very beginning of your continuing battle, you wanted to give up, and I was so stupid by thinking that we were going to go through our written chapter together, by keeping my reckless and fragile hand into your warm comforting grasp, walking towards the ocean with moving sand beneath our feet. So I am here pretending to be talking to you only because I want to say I’m sorry,
I’m sorry that I was too quiet or so distant at times when you needed me most,
I’m sorry that I had ignored those several moments when I thought that you would always be strong this whole time,
that I kept forgetting that you wouldn’t admit anything that had gone wrong even it was killing you just because you didn’t want to hurt anyone,
I’m sorry that you didn’t get to be here longer and it must’ve scared you to think that I was going to be able survive this,
in fact, I’m not.
And I’m sorry that I had wasted too much time asking despite everything we went through had caused so many painful memories I had to put up with,
even everyone in this world was sorry for the missing life that both of us had desired,
because in the world we live in, there is no hero.
So apparently, it really scares me to death,
and I have to live with that.
I usually forgot things I had regretted not to mention that you are the only reason why I haven’t moved on, the thought of something took you away to come across so many places I haven’t seen before makes me feel like I have lost you more than I thought I would. The feeling of failing to keep you longer has been haunting me since the first time I realize that our souls don’t belong to anywhere or anyone, but to several places we haven’t known yet. Places where you are going to tell every living soul who lived in this world someday, some places in between life and death, places where even the evil would surrender.
And you had to let something trap you from every brightness you’d see by the time you open your eyes,
you had to give everything up for the living souls you had left dying,
you had to spare the history that once you had promised to keep,
you had to let go of us.
For the love you’d willingly provided for this precious little family,
for every step you took towards the end of our chapter,
while asking if I was ready to lose almost every part of it,
I wasn’t.
And how does it seem fair?
maybe in some other world, it seems pretty much fair to you.
Sure you were broken and struggling a little just because people said it is your ‘time’ to leave,
it made you fought over your own soul against death trying to claim the life you shortly had in this universe.
You were frightened, and you were allowed to.
“I was so happy even I couldn’t take my eyes off you after the first time you came out of the nursery room. When your were being taken care of by a bunch of nurse and I couldn’t keep my hands together getting too excited and eager to finally hold you and claim you as my child”